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08 October 2008 @ 09:46 pm
series of regrets  
[title] Series of Regrets
[length] oneshot
[pairing] jaemin; jaeho; minho; min-centric
[rating] g
[summary] he broke them up - just for one blind star
[an] Instead of checking through my geog paper a couple of days ago during the exam period, I wrote the starting of this in the last ten minutes. SO YEAH, we know why if I fail geog, and if this sounds like a lump of depressing crap that makes no sense. I realise that I used a lot of symbolism, bottle of stars etc. :D So poke me if you don't get it, and I'll see if I can pull together something that makes sense :D

He once told me, “You, and only you, Min.” And like the foolish young man that I was, I believed him.

He promised me the stars, he promised me the wildest dreams, he promised me that his night was always mine. And like the star-struck fool that I was, I believed him.

I know the times that I bitterly fought with leader-shii had only one true reason behind it all. I could have yelled about the lack of food, I could have complained about the lack of attention, I could have said that h was a biased jerk – but I did it only for one reason : I was jealous.

The whole world adored JaeHo, the whole bunch of fangirls who just couln’t stop the cheers when they saw a JaeHo moment, I was sick of it, I was jealous of it all.

After all, had Jae-hyung not promised that I was the only one?

I hated him then, accused him of so many things, accused him of stealing my things.

I accused him of stealing my bottle of stars, I accused him for blocking my way to my dreams. I accused him of tainting my life with nightmares, I accused him of stealing my sweets. And I guess the worst of all – I accused him of trying to ruin my life.

It doesn’t make sense, does it?

After all, why would I so horribly shoot don the man who had taught me priceless lessons on life, the man who had always bothered to check on me, the man who had unconditionally loved me, and all my faults.

But he isn’t the man who would have forgiven me, and I never expected him to.

And yet, yet I feel nothing but regret with each passing glance, nothing but guilt when we meet. And I want to turn back time, I want to go back and tell myself that fangirls were smart, I want to stop the ball from rolling.

But I guess I can’t.

We disbanded, long past our heydays where fangirls screams the sky down. Far from the days spent in each others’ company, far from the days when JaeHo and YooSu reigned. There is always bittersweet regret, these memories and I. Some times I want it back, some times I wish it never happened, I wish I never lived through it.

I’m an odd person, aren’t I? (the boy who smiled his crooked smile)

I dream of him little now, signs of him are but mere dust in the wake of my footsteps. I see of him little now – last I heard, he had ran away to some unknown monastry. I hear of him little now, his beautiful vocals nothing but a mere memory.

I don’t know where the rest are either – did YooSu stay together? Did they ever end up as the star composing team they dreamed of? Did leader-sshi ever set up the dance school he always talked about?

I have so many questions, yet I have so little answers.

The world’s simply dark mist to me now, dark cold, blurry – I’m unsure of anything, everything. And I don’t suppose anyone would be able to recognise the snarky magnae I once was, so full of life, so full of joy.

The thread of life meant nothing to me then (but it does now)

All I want to do, is to see them all again, to see us as “us”, to now that at least they fulfilled their dreams, and to say sorry (sorry for breaking us up)

But then again, is life nothing but a series of regrets?
♠♥♣♦: junsurockshuttist on October 8th, 2008 02:17 pm (UTC)
hey, dis is really sad n sweet @ d same time... n dun worry i got d whole story perfectly... lurv ur writing.. looking forward 2 ur writing in d future!! n dbsk fandoms, so cn we b frens???
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 8th, 2008 02:29 pm (UTC)
8D haha, thanks!

&hearts friended!
♠♥♣♦: shy?? O_oshuttist on October 8th, 2008 02:33 pm (UTC)
thnx 4 adding me... n really like ur journal.. simple but nice.. n i like ur only friends banner!! so i guess ur changmin craze huh??
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 8th, 2008 02:36 pm (UTC)
xD I thought my banner was the ultimate fail. Changmin FTW!
♠♥♣♦: huh? O_o??shuttist on October 8th, 2008 02:38 pm (UTC)
no... it's really nice..i wish cud do dat 2..
n added u back!!.
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on October 8th, 2008 03:43 pm (UTC)
>< It takes a lot, a lot of practice, not that I'm still very good~
heaven is endless.: Kim Junsu ☆ sing your heart out againsilhouettedwing on October 8th, 2008 02:20 pm (UTC)
heaven is endless.: Shim Changmin ☆ photography as passionsilhouettedwing on October 8th, 2008 02:25 pm (UTC)

*squishes min* if jaejae doesn't want him i'll take him.

eh, why you keep breaking my heart! :|

but min, oh, min. ♥

[oh please, you can't fail geog luh]
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 8th, 2008 02:32 pm (UTC)
._. I chope him first.

I don't loh, it's your responsibility to ensure that your heart isn't broken! (let's argue abotu this!)

Why not? I crapped my way through it!
heaven is endless.: henry lau ☆ you and your prized violin.silhouettedwing on October 8th, 2008 02:35 pm (UTC)

but your fic triggered it!

enchanted1312 on October 8th, 2008 02:21 pm (UTC)
regrets could swallow us whole or half-heartedly. it's truly heart-breaking to know that when the band disbanded, changmin himself didn't know where others went. i think that just proved how well they separated. chuuu.
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on October 8th, 2008 02:33 pm (UTC)
mmhm, ack, you got it down way better than I did!

emda: Minemda on October 8th, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
oh my...
is true that regret can eat us all... is sad to see that he brought that upon himself and the others.
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 9th, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
(: but life has it's good points yupp!
-purplehaze_33 on October 8th, 2008 11:02 pm (UTC)
gah, so sad:(((

now im truly hurting for him.

but on the other hand, yayy for you updating:PPP
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 9th, 2008 02:50 am (UTC)
(: This Min was foolish!