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27 September 2008 @ 04:37 pm
Loving you, it's crazy  

[title] Loving you, it’s crazy
[length] oneshot
[pairing] jaemin
[rating] g
[summary] you hold back for so long, you just hurt him with each breath you take
[a/n] D< I credit Epik High’s Girl from their album – Pieces, Part One, for instigating the writing of this. My English language exam is over, and I really ought not be writing now, but rather, study for mathematics. But I guess life is a matter of choice, some things (like this) just bugs you for so long that you can’t forget, that you can’t shake it off. I wasn’t going for angst, really! But Girl is… kind of angst-y, I provided a link – so listen! No idea what the lyrics mean though, I haven’t gone to look it up, I only followed the feelings ‘inspired’ by this, I guess.

Don’t kill me if it sucks, I acknowledge that my writing skills have seriously deteriorated to the point of (possibly) no return.

For Thea, and Kerri (:
I know it's emo, ack.


There comes a time in life where everything moves in a constant blur – you can never recall the exact details of the day, you will stumble into bed with no coherent thought in your mind.

You will tell yourself nothing's wrong you will tell yourself that you are just tired. (but you can’t deny it)

Your life is a constant blur – only because you are only focused on one thing. So sharp, so clear, so exquisitely craved that it hurts too much to even glance its way.

You called him “it”, you refuse to acknowledge the erroneousness of it all. You could spend hours seeing him sleep, knowing that it is the only time you would dare look at him (you need him in your life)

You know that he will wake up and smile his crooked smile – so innocent, so full of warmth, such trust. You fear it, you fear the fragility of his smile, and you fear that you will be the one who shatters it.

You like the way the silence settles comfortably around the both of you when he is lost in his thoughts, you constantly watch out for his changes in expression – the quick anger, the slight shake of his head, the sudden smile he flashes towards you. (it is scary to know your emotions change with his)

But watching him makes you vulnerable. You know his moods, you know his likes, his dislikes, you know what makes him tick. You can read him like a picture book, you can deduce his every emotion through his little actions, but it frustrates you – you cannot understand him, you do not know what goes through his mind.

Some days you see him staring into empty space, eyes glazed over with an incomprehensible emotion as he unconsciously clenches his fingers. You feel the urge to walk up to him, to give him a big hug and breathe in his scent, you want to give in to this impulse so much. (but you are afraid, you hold back)

It does not make sense, does it? The way you are wrapped around his tiny finger results in guilty feelings of pleasure, and yet you are angry – just so angry with yourself. You will happily whip up a storm for him in the kitchen, and yet you will curse when you realise that you have depleted half the food stock just for one meal – just for him.

You always see him pretending to sleep, so desperately trying to control the tears that refuse to stop; you can see him stuffing his fist into his mouth to silence the sobs – to block the outflow of emotions. He thinks he messed up a performance for everyone, but you know otherwise, you know that he is improving (and then your heart breaks)

You are hesitant, he thinks that no one knows, no one realises, no one cares. But you do, but you are simply a coward, simply a lousy human who does not dare fight to protect what he wants, what he loves, what he needs. The guilt slowly nibbles away the wall around your heart, you fight so hard to resist it – you tell yourself that it is mere temptation; you tell yourself that it is nothing.

But one day, when he trips and falls midway during a comeback performance – you know it is double the pain for him. He jokes and smiles his weary smile before creeping away to his bed, to his dark haven. You berate yourself, fingers trembling as you angrily grip the frying pan, viciously frying his favourite scrambled eggs as your way of apologising – your apology for turning away from him for so long.

He refuses to get up, he refuses to even look at you. You try to tempt him with the eggs, you plead to no avail. You reach out, grabbing his wrist, demanding that he looks at you for just one moment. (the wall around your heart crumbles to dust)

He lies so still, so still that you worry he has given up on life. But you can feel the small tremors as he struggles to silence himself. You are still a fool, you still stand beside his bed, you still pretend you are unaware. And he understands, he knows you will not let yourself acknowledge it, so he stops – numbing silence settling over you both, seemingly far away from the chaos just metres away outside.

You control yourself, you force yourself to gently place the plate of eggs on the bedside table, and then you sink to your knees, eyes searching for any sign of forgiveness in his beautiful orbs. But you see none, but your hands just reach out to encircle him, and you give in – you gather him close and hold him tight as his scent overwhelms you. Long unshed tears stains his shirt, and you whisper, just so silently (I’m sorry)

And then you sense it as he silently breathes out (he accepts)



 
 
 
heaven is endless.: Jung Yunho ☆ looking into the soulsilhouettedwing on September 27th, 2008 09:35 am (UTC)
MINE. MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE
heaven is endless.: lee donghae ☆ giving you my heartsilhouettedwing on September 27th, 2008 09:39 am (UTC)
;A;

You always see him pretending to sleep, so desperately trying to control the tears that refuse to stop; you can see him stuffing his fist into his mouth to silence the sobs – to block the outflow of emotions. He thinks he messed up a performance for everyone, but you know otherwise, you know that he is improving (and then your heart breaks)

i love this. i love this paragraph. OH, WHY DO YOU WRITE ANGST SO WELL?

here, have my heart. you broke it with this piece.
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 27th, 2008 03:38 pm (UTC)
what's ;A; supposed to represent anyway?

o.O In case you have forgotten, I started out in this fandom writing angst. Or I'm naturally angst-y, but I subscribe to the former

if I broke your heart, it means that if you pass it to me, I have to glue it back. D:
heaven is endless.: hankyung ☆ leadershii so soulfulsilhouettedwing on September 28th, 2008 05:24 am (UTC)
but but but i've been writing angst since i was like, eleven and my angst all turns out sucky. ;____;

no, it means you keep it.
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on September 28th, 2008 12:00 pm (UTC)
._. YOU CAN WRITE A HELL LOT MORE GENRES THAN ME, MY CRACK FAILS, I CAN'T DO CHAPTERED EITHER, KTHXBYE.

But I still have to glue it back and make it shiny, or I'll be holding on to broken pieces, ack.
heaven is endless.: Shim Changmin ☆ photography as passionsilhouettedwing on September 28th, 2008 12:18 pm (UTC)
... *doesn't know how to formulate an argument*
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 29th, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
that's good.

I have no intention of losing any debates.
heaven is endless.: kim heechul ☆ oh cinderellasilhouettedwing on September 29th, 2008 11:35 am (UTC)
competitive, as always.
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on September 29th, 2008 12:15 pm (UTC)
not always.

it's my strong point, of course I wouldn't want to lose.
heaven is endless.: Kim Jaejoong ☆ angel fallen from heaven.silhouettedwing on September 29th, 2008 12:16 pm (UTC)
am spamming you now, i think i might have caused your msn to lag.
romanchika: jaeminromanchika on September 27th, 2008 12:36 pm (UTC)
it's angsty~ and i like it lol! XD
Epik High's Girl is one of my fave songs from the album!

oh and this is gonna sound random, but may i ask where can i find the pic of Yunho in your header? it's so gorgeous and i've been looking everywhere but i faaail T_T where do i find it in itvxq? i'm just so in love with it, sigh~ thanks anyway lol!
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 27th, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
Epik High's Girl FTW!
Thanks~

Haha no worries, you aren't the first, but it's the first time I found a similar picture! Technically, the picture should be somewhere here, but I can't find it, but I found this instead, is it ok?
romanchika: jaeminromanchika on September 27th, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC)
OMG thank you so much! <3 its gorgeous
*breathes sigh of relief*
now i don't have to look everywhere anymore!
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 28th, 2008 02:58 am (UTC)
Haha, it's no prob!
x_x That has got to be Yunho's coolest pose ever!
emda: Jaeminemda on September 27th, 2008 02:13 pm (UTC)
Oh Lord
so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!
sad and angsty and sorrowful and heartbreaking yet they have somehow a bittersweet ending... some hope. LOVE IT!!!!!!
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 27th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much~
Quiet_Heartachequiet_heartache on September 27th, 2008 03:07 pm (UTC)
oO <3

'The guilt slowly nibbles away the wall around your heart, you fight so hard to resist it – you tell yourself that it is mere temptation; you tell yourself that it is nothing.' - as painful as that is, i love that line..

*proud umma* ^^

thanks
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 27th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
&hearts!

I seem to specialise in painful sentences
-purplehaze_33 on September 27th, 2008 03:17 pm (UTC)
MINE BITCHES MINEMINEMINEMINE♥♥♥


my heart just broke with the last paragraph:(((



You control yourself, you force yourself to gently place the plate of eggs on the bedside table, and then you sink to your knees, eyes searching for any sign of forgiveness in his beautiful orbs. But you see none, but your hands just reach out to encircle him, and you give in – you gather him close and hold him tight as his scent overwhelms you. Long unshed tears stains his shirt, and you whisper, just so silently (I’m sorry)

And then you sense it as he silently breathes out (he accepts)


both of them are suffering. min is bottling it in, trying to be the best for jae, trying so damn hard to be the perfect man, the perfect singer so that he can show jae he is also capable of being the the perfect lover

all these little things about him have made jae fall so hard for him that its not even funny anymore. min has got him twisted around his little finger, all he has to do is crook it and jae will do anything, everything for him but also nothing because it frustrates him so much.

the fact that he may break min's heart also hurts and cuts like a deep knife so he refuses to just love because of the consequences.

You berate yourself, fingers trembling as you angrily grip the frying pan, viciously frying his favourite scrambled eggs as your way of apologising – your apology for turning away from him for so long.

limits have been finally reached. both of them cant go on with this pretending shit anymore. everything they do is for each other. eneough is enough and finally sorry is said.

hopefully this will be the start of a new beginning for both of them♥

this was for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

loved it♥

Thea=]
angelicbuttons: Henry [hi-five]angelicbuttons on September 27th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
(HAHA, YOU JUST TYPED THE LONGEST COMMENT THAT I'VE EVER GOTTEN)

&hearts!
You like, summed up everything I couldn't get 'round to expressing when I was reasoning with myself what this fic was supposed to mean, ack.

I'LL GIVE YOU SUPER HEART-GLUE TO PIECE YOUR HEART BACK TOGETHER, y/y?

Gosh, I felt so bad for JaeMin when I was writing this, even though it is really irrational to feel so
umai_jae_aiumai_jae_ai on September 28th, 2008 05:51 am (UTC)
I was getting afraid Jaejoong would keep being stupid there, I'm glad he finally gave in. Really great job, I loved it.
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 28th, 2008 12:04 pm (UTC)
>< I was contemplating it, but since I was getting rather depressed with the stupidity of it all. LOL

Thank you~
Jennifer: Laundy!Jaemrsedjack on September 28th, 2008 11:38 am (UTC)
That... hurts. ;-; You're back to angst, huh?

<3

(Changmin is a coward. D: )
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on September 28th, 2008 12:06 pm (UTC)
:x Apparently I am, I can't live without angst for a long time!

&hearts

(ack, Min is not a coward, you evil person!)
Jennifermrsedjack on October 4th, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
You can't live without fluff&smut for a long time either? :D

&heartsbackatchu.

(HE IS. >.< I quote:

You called him “it”, you refuse to acknowledge the erroneousness of it all. You could spend hours seeing him sleep, knowing that it is the only time you would dare look at him.

SEE? LOOK AT HIM WHILE HE'S AWAKE YOU DOOFUS. D: STUPID COWARD.)
angelicbuttons: Catangelicbuttons on October 5th, 2008 01:57 pm (UTC)
hm, fluff I guess, smut's questionable

:D

HE ISN'T GOSH.
That was Jaejoong!
(You don't think Changmin would cook, right?)
Jennifermrsedjack on October 26th, 2008 12:57 pm (UTC)
Well. I can't go too long without smut. 8D

Um. Oh. Okay. So I just read the fic with the wrong POV-thing. xD I was actually wondering about why the kitchen didn't burn down.

OKAY, SO JAEJOONG IS A BIG, BIG COWARD. D:<

And uh - yeah. D: Late, late reply. -bows-
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 26th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
I've realised that almost everyone can't go too long without smut, lol

D: BURN DOWN THE KITCHEN? WHYYY! I love kitchens, I'd never willingly do something like that!

HEE, I can't believe I write such weird emo stuff.

You're forgiven! (;D but you wanna write something for me!)
Jennifermrsedjack on October 27th, 2008 07:33 pm (UTC)
Does that include you? :D

No but - can Changmin cook without burning down the kitchen? :D
New kitchens are so nice. *______________* They're like, all shiny. Until you start trying to make pie. --;

:D Strange emo stuff is good. In small doses. The world needs strange happy stuff too. ♥

(do I? o.o Give me a prompt.)
...I just signed myself up for the 10K word-fic challenge. --; Total suicide. I'm never going to finish, it's totally impossible.
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on October 28th, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)
I don't think so! :D

Changmin might persuade the fire to stop burning!
Hee, they are so clean and pretty and sparkly! (Pie? D:)

:D So, as long as it is strange, the world needs it?

(I just ordered you to 8D "When stars go out each night"?)
AHAHA, you have to write it in like, 24hours right?
Jennifermrsedjack on November 4th, 2008 04:51 pm (UTC)
You lie. D: That's impossible. XD

o.o Changmin has superpowers?
(Making pie is always messy. D: Suddenly the clean and pretty and sparkly kitchen is not so.. clean and pretty and sparkly anymore). --;

EXACTLY. ♥

Ah. Hmm. I'll see what I can dish up. :D It sounds like fluff. But then, I can see the angsty side too. Let's see. :)
NOOO. O.O ohmygod, 24hours, I'd die. No, I have like, until February/March to write it. Goodness. :D
angelicbuttonsangelicbuttons on November 5th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
I don't always need it, so I do not lie!

8D I'd like to think that he has them
(D: but there's still the clearing/cleaning up that would make it clean, pretty and sparkly again!)

I was thinking angst first, hahaha!
:O four months+ to write it? whoa, that's a long, long time! I'd never have the patience
Jennifermrsedjack on December 24th, 2008 01:49 pm (UTC)
But you'd be awfully sad without it. Admit it. 8D

Hmm. What kind of superpowers would he have then? (does overhuman-snark count?)
(yes, but that demands for patience. xD -is not a very patient person-

Aish, I still haven't fulfilled that request. I WILL! :D I WILL WILL WILL. I'll tell you when I have.
(But then I haven't even really outlined the 10K words fic yet. -deadofphail-)